


Hindsight

by tonkystank



Series: Too Young For Tragedy [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Denial of Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Hispanic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Horny Teenagers, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unhappy Ending, and theyre having sex at fifteen cause theyre unhealthy mfs, remus is sad and janus is worried, remus is supposed to be ooc in this, the underage is for janus and remus, this is honestly so bad guys im sorry, tone shifting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:09:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28604223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonkystank/pseuds/tonkystank
Summary: Honestly, looking back, Janus should have pushed him to talk about it. It would have saved everyone a lot of pain, grief, and heartache.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: Too Young For Tragedy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764718
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Hindsight

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is once again an impulse writing  
> remus is intentionally ooc  
> (i say, making up for my bad writing)  
> the ending is also supposed to make you confused sorry lol (im not)  
> read the tags and stay safe babes  
> (this is set before Jack and Jill and Adrenaline)

"I kind of want to die." Remus says softly, breaking the comfortable silence between them.

Janus tensed up instinctually, then forced himself to relax as he kept drawing random patterns into Remus's shoulder. Don't panic. "Can I ask why?" The 15 year old asks. 

Remus shrugged, the movement slightly awkward because of the position he was in, with his head resting on Janus's chest. The air smelled like weed and sex (though the sex smell was fading) and a window was cracked to let in the cool night air.

"I dunno. Death seems like a lot less of a hassle." Remus seems concerningly nonchalant about the fact that he just confessed he was slightly suicidal.

Janus hummed, trying to stifle the immediate flutter of panic in his chest. He tried to think of something eloquent to say, something witty and sharp to make Remus laugh (because, even though he would never admit it, he loves Remus's laugh), but all that came out was, "I don't want you to die. I would miss you." Brutal honesty felt wrong in his mouth.

Remus snorted without any real humor. "Yeah, I know. You'd miss me for the sex. Not that I could blame you." His tone suggests that he's joking, but one glance at his face shows that he completely believes what he's saying. 

"Hold on," Maneuvering himself so that he could look Remus in the eyes comfortably, Janus spoke. "Do you honestly think I would only miss you for the sex?" 

His heart dropped when Remus nodded. And the fact that Remus didn't seem upset at all by it, just  _ accepted it as fact… _

Janus knew he wasn't the best person. Or the best friend. And yeah, maybe he had messed up when he agreed to them being "friends with benefits", but he didn't think he had messed up  _ this badly. _

"Remus,  _ no.  _ You are an idiot if you think I would only miss you for sex. You're one of my best friends." Janus gazed seriously into Remus's heterochromatic eyes, making sure he was listening. "You were the first person to treat me normally after.." Janus swallowed, "After the fire."

Remus's gaze softened in sympathy, but Janus continued on before Remus could say anything about it. "So no, Remus Diaz, I would not miss you only for the sex. I would miss you because you're my best friend."

Janus waited with bated breath for Remus to respond. He may or may not have used that time to analyse Remus's face; his green and brown eyes, his eyebrow piercing, the little stubble that was starting to grow above his upper lip. 

He resolutely ignored the way his heart fluttered when he took his appearance in.

Janus snapped out of it when Remus cracked a smile; a genuine one, one that he doesn't see as often lately. Janus felt something loosen in his chest as he let out a breath that he didn't know he was holding.

"Yeah, Jan, I know. I just get up all in my head sometimes, y'know. Thinking about eating babies and sticking my head in the microwave." Remus  _ winked _ at him at the eating babies part, and Janus's nose instinctively curled up. 

"Lovely." Janus replied sarcastically. He moves back to his original position; on his back, with Remus on his chest and their legs curled up together under the soft blanket.

Something was off, though. He looked down at Remus again, noticing how he'd been weirdly quiet all day, even before his little confession earlier. Softly, he asked, "Are you okay?" 

_ Well, duh, of course he's okay. He just confessed to me that he wants to die, that's the poster of good mental health.  _

Remus was quick to nod, though. "Yeah, Janny, I'm good. Don't mind me. Weird day." 

Every bone in his body was telling him to call Remus out on his lie. He wanted to know how he could help, he wanted to do…. something, anything just to see Remus happy again.

But Remus wasn't telling him for a reason, and Janus has to respect that. Even if he hates it. "Okay. I trust you." 

"Bad decision, really." Janus snorted. He watched as Remus hauled himself up to straddle Janus, a mischievous smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eyes. Janus's hands immediately went to Remus's thighs to steady him there, sensing the change in mood immediately. Honestly, he's not that upset about it. Curse his horny teenage brain.

He refuses to acknowledge the rapid beating of his heart as Remus leaned in to whisper in his ear, his voice dropping, "Now that the sappy shit is out of the way…." Remus drawls, "Wanna go for round 2?" 

Janus got the ridiculous urge to laugh, but that quickly went away as he had to stifle a moan as Remus snagged his earlobe between his teeth. Once he caught his breath again, and Remus had sat back up and was watching him with expectant eyes, Janus smirked. 

"I don't see why not." 

And after that, the night had devolved once again into roaming hands and hair pulling and pleasure. And Janus honestly hadn't thought about their conversation that much again.

He thought that Remus would bring it up on his own. After all, he said he was okay, and even if it was a lie Janus couldn't force him to talk.

Now, looking back, he wished he did. He wished he made Remus talk about it. 

It would have saved both of them so much grief and heartbreak and pain.

But there's nothing he could do about it now.

Because he couldn't save him.

_ Because he left Remus alone. _

_ This is his fault, and his fault alone. _

Janus should have listened to him back then. 

Maybe it could have saved him.

**Author's Note:**

> will i ever be able to write a cohesive story instead of just short oneshots that barely make any sense? no <3


End file.
